THE DIRTY ARMY: Nik, this gummy girl goes to Boise State University and thinks she’s God’s gift. She loves 30k millionaires, especially the ones who live with their parents. In high school she hooked up with her teacher, Dan Young, and actually lost her virginity to him. She continues to bounce between him and her ex because she’s having trouble wrangling anyone new. Her greatest accomplishment in college will always be having a threesome with a football player, Austin Pettis (who was just drafted), because God knows she won’t be getting a degree.

I’m surprised any one of the opposite sex pays her any attention at all.- nik