THE DIRTY ARMY: Nik, not the real Miss Hawaii. No no no…but, WOW Nik, have I found you a winner!! Allow me to introduce Pono Fernandez, the current reigning Miss Hawaii INTERCONTINENTAL. She sadly has never made it to the finals in the real Miss Hawaii pageant (9th place is so close!). This girl’s dogged hope and perseverance are to be admired, though – she refuses to give up hopes of wearing an official sash and crown that was not purchased on the internet. In spite of the fact that she is well past the 24-year expiration date, Ms. Fernandez has high expectations that she will someday be the first boobless, facially-challenged woman to run for Miss America. If Jenna Talackova can blaze new paths in Canada, after all, why can’t she do the same in America? Her impressive portfolio is full of sultry shots taken in a professional photo shoot (9th place consolation prizes are awesome!). Her resume is quite impressive – her latest accomplishment being spokesmodel for a company that sells 80′s swim wear and gowns to transvestite samurais. For those of you who would scream a “Photoshop!” call on her nose, I am happy to report these photos are completely “untouched.” Go to her website to view the beaky beauty’s originals. Friend Ms. Fernandez on Facebook for access to thousands of pictures showcasing her begging for food bank donations from bewildered passer-by, walking a catwalk at the local craft fair, and doing bizarre yoga positions – all while proudly wearing her sash! The people of Hawaii are busting-at-the-seams proud of the way that Ms. Fernandez represents beauty in our state. Won’t you please do us proud, Nik, and add her to your elite list of do-able ladies? We’d like to see her go all the way!

She looks like Miss Meth Teeth Hawaii.- nik