I’m Lost And Confused
THE DIRTY ARMY: Hey Nik, this is a sort of different kind of post but this website of yours gets alot of feed back and really need some advice. I’ve been feeling pretty dirty lately and I would like to express my concern anonymously. I am happily married for the past 7 years to my high school sweetheart with 3 children and my husband is a wonderfull father and man saddly a bad Partner.. our relationship is falling apart, the sex is horribly boring. We can be sitting in the same room on the same couch but I feel so alone. We dont talk anymore, the kisses have even begun to be less passionate just litte pecks now. It makes me feel unwanted and ugly, I have started to gain extreme self esteem issues. I am starting to have interest in other men and have begun to fantasize about them
Don’t know if you have talked with your husband about having issues, but before you divorce him you both should try counseling, if that does not work then you have to do what you have to do……
I think you’ve probably fallen into a rut. It happens to the best of us! You need to give your relationship a chance! Give yourself a chance to fall in love again, do something different and scary… go bungee jumping, go sky diving, anything to bring the adreneline back into the relationship. You need to take time together WITHOUT the kids. Make it an important thing, a date night every week, or month- whatever works for your schedule, and learn to enjoy eachother again. It’s worth the effort, it just may work to re-ignite the spark! And if it doesn’t, well then it’s probably best to part ways, because you probably don’t have that much in common anways.You need to model a healthy relationship to your children, and a mom and dad who are in love is obviously ideal. Don’t end up like my friend who’s husband cheated on her then she cheated on him to “get even” it’s a life of pain… not worth living. I’m sure your husband is just as unsatisfied as you are and it’s just a matter of time before he starts to stray!
My situation exactly… Ugh, I’ve been with this man since ’98 and got married in ’04…I want out bad… I want happiness and love…
Yeah, you’re the typical cheating, bitch, wh*re who lived of your husbands hard work and he more than likely is trying to more by you than you lead on to in your bullsh*t post. I was with someone like you for 6 years. Your moments away from starting to blame him for drinking, or cheating, or whatever BS you have running in that POS head of yours to make it easier for you to cheat. So here’s your advise you POS…go cheat. Just don’t give the father or your children herpes, or the clap, or crabs or whatever sl*t disease you’re sure to catch. And your kids and your husband don’t deserve you anymore. Pathetic.
you should consider having an open sexual relationship. if you hate the sex no doubt so does he.
maybe try swinging!
Sit down with your husband and talk to him about your feelings. Chances are he is feeling the same way. If not, you say he is a good man and father so hopefully he will be able to accept the fact that your feelings have changed. You will both have to be involved in the children’s lives so it’s best to stay as amicable as possible. It’s not easy, I’ve been there. But, before you have the urge to cheat and really make a bad situation much worse, do the right thing. Talk to your husband, have a realistic plan, and talk to a Therapist/counselor. Really put some positive effort into creating a healthy environment for you and your children during and after the separation. Best of luck to you in the future
This is normal for long term relationships. Don’t be short sighted if he is a good man & father those are qualities that have value & are hard to find. You both have lost feelings that can be brought back and rejuvenated. Try counseling or date night to drive out the boredom. If you leave you will see hindsight is 20/20.
be honest with him don’t be selfish and stay for the kids if ur not into him let him know before u cheat and ruin the marriage and lose respect of ur kids and their father
I like how you actually think that is good advice, Hooman.. Think about the ramifications of what you say before you speak…maybe you’ll have less lawsuits that way. I see where your coming from, but lets look at the real facts. Kids need both parents. You say you loved your husband before.. You will always love him. You need to be very honest and tell him how you feel. He’ll see what needs to be done on his end…and point out to you what you need to do as well. You will both be faced to change, and if either are willing, then you have your answer..
Wow this is how I’m starting to feel as well…
Maybe it’s because you spend your time on trash sites like this..
Marriage is not always good but its a committment. Its just a rough patch. TALK TO HIM! Tell him what u like in bed and that you are bored. If u have to see a therapist. There would be a lot less divorce if people didnt give up when marriage gets tough. Nothing worth having comes easy….
yeah sure nik, go out and be whore. great example that’s going to set. how about therapy? selfish!
Honest communication is essential, so you may want to consider talking to your husband about seeking couples counseling.
The quick fix of having an affair, for the sake of stoking your own validation and self-esteem issues are going to have major negative effects both on you and your children, in the future. The band-aid approach will not bode well for the future.
To reach that warm and fuzzy nexus of being in blissful Love and enjoying true intimacy by way of passion (what you have stated to be lacking and what you are desperately yearning for) requires comfort, rapport and trust between two partners, or else it is just physical lustful sex without the emotional and mental nutrients which you seem to be in desire of.
Your marriage may very well be past its shelf life, but there are always dignified long term solutions to consider for a better future, rather than the impulsive and easy options available to you at the moment.
Good luck.
I love that, “you are the tree and your kids are the branches”..its true listen nik! great advice
Does your husband have any idea how you feel? that’s the first and most important step. You need to talk to him and try to work it out before anything else. The spark was once there, it’s just gotten lost.. If you can make it work your children will be happy and not part of a broken family and you’ll be happy too (a win/win). You say the sex sucks, sex can help strengthen/bond a relationship (IMO). have you done anything to try spicing it up or do you just lay there like a dead fish? Buy some lingerie, do some role playing. He’s not going to be passionate toward you and the sex won’t be any good if he doesn’t feel wanted either. It works both ways. He might be just as bored as you are and having the same thoughts. TRY FIRST, do all you can, and if it still doesn’t work out you can at least walk away without any regrets and be able to say you did everything you could to fix it.
Bitch, pull your head out of your ass. How about talking to him, taking intimacy seminars or counciling. Your feeling ugly is not his doing, that baggage you brought with you. Garantee if you split up, you will not only do the same shit again, but you’ll regret leaving. You saw what Nik did. Dude showed his ass on tv to try and save his family. Be a decent mother and at least try for fuck sake.
Fuck that nonsense. You stick with your family where you belong. It’s so easy nowadays to get frustrated and walk away because YOU don’t feel in love. It’s not about YOU, its about the family YOU created. Get your ass in there and be responsible for your family, life/marriage is going to have its hard times. It’s the hard times that make you a stronger and better person, not quitting when things are tough.
That’s right! Go to counseling! You have kids to think about! They will no doubt be seriously affected if you take the easy way out and divorce. Stop being a selfish ass , I’m sure your husband doesn’t like your fat ass just as much as you dont like his breath!
You maam… Need a smack.. Whore.
I’m in the same situation, but married 15 yrs with 2 kids. I love my husband like a brother or a best guy friend, he is a good father and a good person, but he is very repressed sexually (always has been) and has a lower libido than mine. For religious reasons I made the mistake of waiting until marriage to go to bed with him. I had been with other boyfriends and just assumed the sex would be great just like it had usually been with my previous partners. He thinks our sex life is fantastic, but I cannot get off without fantasizing about other men. Have you told him what you want, what would turn you on, what you need? I did, thinking once he knew he would want to try these things, but he said he just doesn’t feel comfortable trying different positions or talking dirty or whatever. It might work for you though, most men really do want to try new things and please their partner sexually. Nik is right, figure out what will really make you happy and fulfilled, don’t waste too much time trying to stay for the kids like I did, it gets harder to get out with every year that passes.
You would probably be better off posting this question on a marriage and relationship web site if you really want productive answers, but since you are here I’ll give you my two cents.
The first thing you should do is try to tactfully speak with your husband. Not about wanting to sleep with other men but about the underlying issues that are making you unhappy. Communication is usually the first thing to go in bad marriages if it ever existed at all. I’m sure he probably has issues with you as well.
If you guys can’t communicate and resolve conflict without yelling at each other your next step should be to suggest therapy for the two of you so you can learn to communicate. If you can do that and deal with some of the underlying issues, your old feelings may well come back.
If he flat out refuses to go to therapy with you I think you should tell him that you are extremely unhappy and you may leave him if you guys can’t work these things out. it’s not what you want to happen, but you can’t be unhappy forever with a partner unwilling to work to fix your problems. If you end up in this place then you should do some soul searching and consider speaking to an attorney.
What your SHOULD NOT DO is go out and cheat on y our husband and use your unhappiness as the justification to Do so. Not only will you be wrong for doing that, but once he finds out – and he will find out – you will forever be branded a slut and it will destroy your chance of having an amicable relationship as coparents after divorcing.
I hope this helps you!
At least try. What is it that made you love him? What is it that turned you on with him? You two need to get to know each other and gain each others love again. Find out if he feels the same, tell him the truth. If he feels the same way; the divorce will be easier. If he doesn’t then he will try to fix things because he loves you.
slut….
NIK is wrong in this case. Marraige is not easy. You and your husband have to work on this issue. Talk it out. There must be a central issue that’s bothering him. Take marraigr counseling. Kids have a healthier life when they live with their parents. Now that you’re married, you can’t be doing this that you want to do. You must do things that are best for your family. Your kids are your future, and in the long run, you need to be together with your husband for your kids. FACE THE PROBLEM HEAD ON. IT TAKES GUTS. BUT MARRIAGE IS NOT EASY. YOU.HAVE TO WORK THIS OUT.
Wow nik actually gives really good advice. Props to you man
Noooo if u feel like tht u have to leave!! Thts a bad feeling tht ur having been thier it suck!!
Then you are a selfish cunt just like this biatch!
It’s called the 7 year itch..
You were in love with him once; you can be again. I have seen this happen to a few friends lately. Give it one last shot, a real shot, before you give up on your family and have to give up your kids every other weekend. Talk to him and make sure he really knows how serious you are. Sounds like its just the sex life that’s failing. So FIX it! Buy a stripper pole, toys, watch a movie, buy outfits, date nighs… Anything to spice it up! Give it another month of strong effort… If it doesn’t work, it doesn’t work. What do you have to lose?
Express this to your husband in a soft way and leave out the fantasies of other men. Spend some time apart. Let him miss you again, he is taking you for granted. And trust I’m sure he wants some random as much as you do.
Puhleeeeez! I got married at 26…13 years later, yea, pecks here and there. Granted, I still love my guy, but, sh£t. Are your parents divorced? My folks are still married since 1967. You’re just a horny girl looking for a greener pasture….go mare, go, sounds like you’re in it for yourself.
Go to counseling before you take any drastic steps.
you guys should try doing something different. dont divorce but take a break for a month or two. and then you will miss each other probably. its normal whats happening to you guys. its usually the first 5 years of a marriage that is rough. once you make it past ten years, the marriage never ends about 90 percent of the time
Worst advice ever nik……I hope you’re listening Shayne…make sure you leave nik when he’s broke and miserable if those court cases don’t go his way. You’ll be getting plenty of better offers so make yourself happy and screw everyone else, its what nik would want….if i were you Shayne i’d be embarrassed to be with nik and his piss weak moral code. I’m sure he’ll kick you to the kerb the second you get a little older anyway…for his own happiness of course.
children with divorsed parents are more happy then children with parents that arent happy together
Who goes and has 3 kids within 7 years?! your vajayjay must be a wreck
Wow so women are sluts that are never satisfied sexually… I am now meet getting married I wanted to but not anymore thanks for the warming slut I mean lady
Talk to him…
Make time for each other…
My wife and I went through similar stuff and we fixed it by making time for each other talking to each other.
You were in love before enough to marry the man, so who is to say you won’t have the same thing happen to the next guy. Then yo will be on husband #3…
Sometimes the. Problems on the. Outside are a reflection on the inside, work on it, I mean actually work on it. If you haven’t discussed it then you haven’t worked on it.
Mistake #1 – to come to this site to submit a post for advice about ANYTHING
Be 100% honest with him and the let him know how you feel. You need to try everyhing to keep your family together. Watch porn and emulate what you see, let him stick it in your butt, swallow, blow him in the middle of the night, buy some dildos, random hand jobs, date night followed by back seat plowing, have him finger you in the movie theater…these are my Rx’s for you.
“In great literature of all progressive societies, love is a verb. Reactive people make it a feeling. They’re driven by feelings. Hollywood has generally scripted us to believe that we are not responsible, that we are a product of our feelings. But Hollywood script does not describe the reality. If our feelings control our actions, it is because we have abdicated our responsibility and empowered them to do so.
Proactive people make love a verb. Love is something you do: the sacrifices you make, the giving of self, like a mother bringing a newborn into the world. If you want to study love, study those who sacrifice for others, even for people who offend or do not love in return. If you are a parent, look at the love you have for the children you sacrificed for. Love is a value that is actualized through loving actions. Proactive people subordinate feelings to values. Love, the feeling, can be recaptured.” Stephen Covey, The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People.
I am in the same rut as you except the whole fantazing other men. i love my boyfriend we have been together for four years two beauitful girls. ive always wanted to get married but he doesnt care. so now it has made me drift like you… maybe its time to find a real man.
I would like to say nics response isn’t so great. I came from a family that got divorced when I was five. I have no recollection of my family ever being together and it messed with me for years. You could be happy getting blackout drunk everyday but is that going to make your kids happy ? No. Nics advice is what people use to justify gettin divorced. Think about your kids lives for the next few years they will be dragged back and forth between houses and possibly have either you or your husband feeding them bullshit about the other parent. I would try to stay with ur husband. By getting married and having kids you owe something to them. Just because u don’t like having sex with ur husband anymore your going to drastically change ur children’s lives for your own happiness. That sounds like bs to me. Here’s the only advice you can be given. Go back in time and don’t marry your high school sweet heart tuts. U were a fucking child and you decided to spend the rest of your life with someone. Good move look at you now.
I’m around if you need a shoulder or Gary to lean on. Some men are just unappreciative of all the good that is right there in front of them.
This is why I think you should never stay with your high school sweetheart. It’s very rare that relationships like that last in the long term. When you’re young you need to get out and explore, date different people and find yourself. When you stay in a single committed relationship from your teen years into adulthood you really miss out and eventually you end up wanting to see what else is out there. I think if you really love him and he is a good father you should seek counseling before giving up or making the mistake of having an affair.
The grass is never greener on the other side. Put some work into yourself. Become the best ‘You’ you can be and make it work! No one will love your children like your husband and finding another relationship will come with its own bag of problems! Do you want another woman in your children’s lives?? Because he will marry again, probably right away. You are not alone, you just have to push through the seven year itch!! Craft a marriage that other people will be jealous of!! Don’t quit because he is getting on your nerves.