My Fiance Has Sexsomnia
THE DIRTY ARMY: Nik, I visit your site off and on and am becoming a fan of your honesty and advice. I’m in a 3 year relationship with my fiance and the past couple of months we have noticed a disturbing sleep disorder he has, sexsomnia. Have you ever heard of it? We have googled, asked his counselor and he had no idea. There isn’t much information out there, maybe you know or can refer us to anyone who can help. Sexsomnia is when a person has sex, masturbates, fondles himself or another in their sleep, they wake up and have no recollection of it. At first, I didn’t mind, it was the occasional boob/butt grab but now it’s been getting worse. I have woken up to him having rough sex with me, biting me and one time he was even choking me. Help Nik. I really love him but, I don’t know if I can keep doing this. Thank you.
Sounds like Rapesomnia. So instead of sleep walking your dude is sleep raping. In most cases I would blame the ambien… but I personally believe he is faking the sleep part because he gets off on the fact that he is banging a lifeless body. It’s time to leave him.- nik
I dont think you should be using the word RAPE in any sort of fashion. I was raped and there are many women who have been and i dont find it funny when people use it to describe something or out of context. It’s not right
This is technically rape, considering she has no consent with the sex he’s forcing upon her.
Eew. This post freaked me out and made me throw up in my mouth at the same time. Thank You Nik.
That doesn’t seem like it is out of context at all. Just because someone is engaged to the person does not mean that unwanted sex isn’t rape. If he is having sex with her when she doesn’t want it, regardless of the situation, it is rape. I think the term is used appropriately. It’s not just “sex”, what he is doing, and I would have to, in this rare occasion, agree with Nik on it. Time to find a new man who isn’t too pathetic to be honest and would rather lie to and rape his Fiance then be truthful about his sexual fantasies.
So you don’t like the rough sex? I think he should dump you
Lol I love Nik. That is hilarious but I definitely agree. You don’t just have sex with someone who is asleep. not buying it, sorry!
Maybe he was having a dream about Wayne brady when he choked the bitch
My husband had a brief period of doing that. It was really awesome. Not rape in my case. aww yiss ｡◕‿◕｡
Soooo ur a virgin?…
If by virgin you mean married with children…yeah…. totally a virgin.
If my bf has taken an Ambien, he gets CRAZY in his sleep…mumbling strange things, kicking, etc….rough sex wouldn’t surprise me
lock him in the bathroom when he is doing drugs and dreaming about all his escapades an run as fast as you can away.. it almost worked for charlie!
I dated someone who had this same condition. He would start having sex with me in his sleep. It didn’t bother me at all. I looked forward to it actually. I don’t think there’s anything to treat it but if you do google it there is such a thing.
Not really sure this is a real medical condition but if she is uncomfortable she should try to get him help while walking away.
what happens if say, he has to sleep next to one of his buddies, you know, like if they are on a camping trip? HA! or if he passes out next to a monkey!?? OH BOY
nik, I don’t get why you’re always trying to get people to dismiss their relationships?? Why not just sleep in separate rooms? get him a f*ck doll so he can hump that at night? see a therapist?
This is an actual condition men have.
I was engaged to a cop and he used to do this to me in his sleep, and he had no idea what happened the next morning.
Essentially, he is acting out what he desires in bed on a subconscious level. A lot of it is due to stress and not releasing it in a healthy way, including having sex. It could also be due to an increase in activity level (such as working out) hence his testosterone levels increase —> sex drive increase and is being demonstrated subconsciously.
Unfortunately, the other side to this is that he may be unhappy and is seeking other sexual partners so he’s living out the fantasy in his sleep. In the time I was with my ex, he became a “sex addict” and slept with 24 different women during our engagement. He ended up marrying the one he accidentally knocked up and now he is miserable with her and his 2 kids.
I would seek out therapy, and premarital counseling before you get married. Make sure marriage is what he truly wants before you end up in divorce.
leave
One word….AMBIEN…….
If you are telling her to take the Ambien, that could very well work. I was on Ambien and used to do all kinds of crazy ass shit. I would even wake up some mornings with 4-5 loads of laundry done, walls painted etc…. Unfortunately, I also ate during these Ambien fugues and gained about 40 lbs. I no longer take the Ambien, at all. I will never touch it again. If I feel like I need reminded why, I check out one of the MANY sex tapes that I obviously enjoyed participating in with my hubby that shows a very accurate account of my weight gain. Not a pretty sight!!! But, if you elect to take the Ambien, lock up your car keys and find a way to lock your fridge and pantry!!!
R-U-N!!!
Yesterday.
(‘Nuff said.)
#nikisrightagain
There’s been nights when I woke up to my hubby having sex with me…. Turned out he thought I was awake because I was playing with myself and was just lending a helping hand
and recently ive waking myself with how intense i get with myself in my sleep lol no lie
What is going on in his mind does not matter. What matters is the observable actions. The actions he is making, for whatever the reason or cause, are totally unacceptable. Nik is right on this one. You need to bail, and fast! Do NOT hang around and put yourself at risk of physical harm while he and the whole team of psychiatrists he should see try to figure out his problem.
Yea I was doin it to my girlfriend. After a few months it stopped and everything was ok. It hasn’t happened in 3 years. She kinda liked it. She Liked the spontaneous sex. You must just be super prude. He needs to ditch you.
Same thing happens to me all the time. I looked into it and was told it’s a form of night terrors. Night terrors tend to be hyper-sexual or hyper-aggressive or a combination of the two. Mine typically don’t get too aggressive but my wife says I am definitely noticeably rougher (lucky for me she likes it). Fortunately, whenever I’m hanging out with my buddies I always get the bed to myself!
I would look at what caused it, this is a legitimate condition, and I would consult a psychologist. But I would also check to see if there has been any medications that he started recently that would have started it. The key is to figure out the trigger for it all since it started out of he blue.
Rape is WAY too powerful and too abused of a term to use for this situation. He is FAR from raping her. There was actually a documentary on Discovery (?) about people with this disorder. I think I saw the video awhile on documentary.com or esoteric.com, too. It is very real.
Mental condition or not… it’s still rape. The sex wasn’t consentual & it’s obviously unwelcomed behavior. Maybe you should find out what the definition of rape is before you start discrediting things.
She should not leave him. I suffer from the same condition. I do not make it up and quite frankly I’m embarrassed by it. My wife and I have an understanding that when I start “sleep banging” that she wakes me up and if appropriate we continue. How can you be punished for something you can not control?
I have sexomnia & I’m a woman. My husband feels blessed!
Same here. My husband told me for years that I would fondle him in my sleep. There were many nights I woke up and we were having sex, he would always tell me that I started it, I never believed him. I have since caught myself doing things to him in my sleep, one night I was squeezing his manhood so hard my hand hurt the next day, he says he is used to it but I do get blamed for him waking up horney every morning, lol. But I can imagine it would be very different for a mna to have this disorder. The OP need to see a doctor with her husband to get all of the CORRECT information and to see if there are options if this is bothering her. Bottom line to her though, don’t blame him, he doesn’t know what he is doing.
Unless your waking up to elbow strikes, crust on your face, or your hair stuck together in wads…. Just go with it. Keep a stun gun on the nightstand to wake that fucker up if it gets too out of hand. Enjoy!
That is too far. As other couple(s) said -
Open-ness. Unless he is sly or am animal.
I am officially done with this site, what astonishes me more than anything is that people actually ask nik for advice! Are you fucking kidding me? You want advice from a lowlife then you have issues. This site went from making fun of girls ( most of them that don’t seem to deserve it) to making fun of people’s possible medical conditions. Nik your daughter is going to grow up to be a whore and that will be your karma
Nothing like choking a chick while your banging her.
My boyfriend does this, he warned me about it too. I’ve been woken up on the couch to him pulling my clothes off, and he eventually wakes up mid-act. At first I was concerned, but he has been that way well before he met me. And yes, one time he was sharing a hotel room with some of his buddies and he started feeling his friend’s chest. It just happens. Although I am intrigued that some of you mentioned your guys are cops. I’m wondering if this can be attributed to the stress of the job? My boyfriend has high levels of stress at work so we don’t have sex very often and I know it bothers him. Perhaps there is more to this than we know.
My boyfriend warned me about this when we got together. The first time it happened I thought it was just spontaneous sex – loved it. I didn’t realize he was asleep until he woke up during. It was freaking weird! It happened several times in the first few months of dating… now over a year later he has stopped. He will still grab me occasionally – and I like it! Ha! Now we have a very healthy normal sex life. Don’t leave him. Wake him up! The problem may go away on it’s own – ours did.
Rapesomnia – hands down the hardest ive laughed after reading one of niks responses
my husband has sex with me constantly when I’m sleeping. He loves it..he says he feels like he’s getting away with something. it doesn’t bother me I think it’s kinda funny.
It’s real I have this issue. Had it for 20 some years now. Not constantly, but a few times a month. First wife hated, 2nd wife laughs it off, and gets quite the chuckle relating my escapades whilst I sleep!
If it bugs ya why not try getting him off before he goes to bed. Or give him some private computer time Lol. I would not break up with my man cause this I would try and do things to help it so I was not getting bugged all the time. I would also have a talk about trying some new things in bed it may help with him choking you out while sleeping. As open to sex as I am if he is sleeping it would freak me out cause he could hurt you by mistake.
My ex used to do this as well.
He’d start having sex with me in the middle of the night and not wake up at any point – no matter how rough the sex was – until he was getting off. Once awake, he had absolutely no memory of anything happening. I didn’t mind – it never felt abusive. He never forced himself on me. Every time it happened he’d start out by touching me suggestively, which would give me time to decide whether this was something I was okay with. If it was, it’d progress. If not, I’d wake him and he’d stop, every time. There was never any feeling of ‘rape’.
If you don’t want it to occur or continue, wake him using whatever means necessary and say STOP whenever he advanced you.. If he can’t come to consciousness or is unwilling to immediately cease his behavior, then it is a serious problem and you need to take whatever steps necessary to protect yourself (even if it includes leaving the relationship). Best wishes.
Also, ‘rape’ is an extremely harsh word to use here. Rape constitutes unwanted sexual intercourse and abuse from a conscious aggressor. In this case, her fiancé doesn’t know what he is doing. Sleep sex is definitely caused from underlying issues – just bc the one counselor you’ve spoken with cannot give you answers doesn’t mean that there aren’t any. It’s very likely attributed to stress and an inability to adequately release it during normal, day to day life. It’s rarely from lack of sex, and could also be caused from a wide variety of suppressed issues, emotions and desires. Talk it out with him. Get to the root of the problem. He’s not doing this to hurt you. Once you both realize this, the spontaneous sex can actually become quite enjoyable
My ex had this problem lol! I would wake up to him trying to have sex with me all the time.
Mind you, I didn’t mind of course but after the 2-3rd time I had to ask what it was all about lol. He said he had always just had this problem. He would normally wake up near the beginning of it and then it would just be kind of normal sex, just a little more tiredness in the mix than usual, but ya…… Can’t say I minded it all that much, nor would I ever take it to an extreme such as leaving him over it :S :S you must be insecure or some other problem in your relationship. Or maybe your sex life is just plain awful to begin with and that’s why you didn’t like it. Live a little!!!!!!!