Is It Wrong That I’m Thinking About Moving On
THE DIRTY ARMY: Nik, my boyfriend of five years died tragically in a kayaking accident five months ago in September and it’s been such a hard time for me to be okay with it and learning to accept it but I think I’m finally at the point where I realize that I will never stop loving him and that he will be in my heart and mind for the rest of my life. I’m wondering if you think it’s too soon for me to consider being with someone else? I’m asking you this because I respect your honest opinions and I think I need someone as honest as you to tell me if I’m going through this process a little too fast. I suppose I may be feeling like any other woman who, at times, needs affection and that reassurance that someone cares about them. Even though I know that a lot of men will never be like him and I may never have that deep connection with another person, in your opinion, when is too soon? (The picture I posted is of my boyfriend a minute before he went kayaking).
If I was your boyfriend up in heaven looking down at you, I would hope that you would wait at least a year. Anything less would feel like you cheating on my soul up in heaven.- nik
Normally I agree with you Nik, but unless *she* killed me – my lady is welcome to bring a date to my funeral …
If you need NIKS advice then I think it’s best you just kill yourself!
“Nik, I know I’m supposed to be in mourning and all, but I’m craving random d*ck really bad”.
Humanity is lost
this is what makes u legit, nik. a straight up answer that a woman can respect… da strong
Damn ATLEAST a year. Fuck. He was your bf for 5 years. Sluts these days. No respect
Your boyfriend would want you to be happy wouldn’t he? If you feel like you can start seeing other people I’m sure he wouldn’t want you to hold back on his behalf.
So if it will make her “happy” should she go out a week after his death? Your myopic and self centered viewpoint fails to see it’s about respect for the one who passed. A year is a good time frame, and if she can’t handle it then she is doing him wrong.
You’re
Are you serious Nik? Well I do not agree. She has been through her grieving process and will probably continue going through it for a while to come, but that doesnt mean she cant try other ways to get over it like going out on dates and trying to meet someone new. He is never going to come back and waiting will do nothing but hurt her especially if she is ready to move one. Girl, go for it. Live your life and please dont listen to Nik on this one. You deserve to be happy and I am sure if your bf truely loved and cared about you, he would want you to do the same. I am sorry for your loss, but like I said you deserve to be happy and waiting a year for anything like this to pass is just too long in my opinion. Best of luck!
Five months is no time at all, except to a teenager. Entering into another relationship now will result in disaster.
Nik makes a good point. I think the 1 year mark or close too should give you enough time to heal your heart and make sure that you are able to fully devote it to someone new. With time you will be able to love again. He will be looking down on you and will want you to be happy. Sad story and best of luck!
I must say that Nik’s advice is not always up to par but I do agree with Nik on this one. When my dad passed away my mom started dating someone within about the same time frame ( five months after that is) … I got to meet the new boyfriend (who I had only heard about once before) when he arrived in the city I was attending university at the time. My mother was dropping off a car while he arrived driving my father’s vehicle.
I think it is very disrespectful to date anyone else within the first year after he/she has passed away.
My sister went through a similar situation only difference was she found out 3 months after he passed that he cheated on her during their relationship. If you’re ready to move on, do it. Its YOUR life and even though he’s gone you still matter.
Nik,
There’s no Heaven or Hell. We are all star dusts and when we perish, we join this vast Universe, where we all came from.
Stop giving BS quasi-spiritual advice to people who are already under the pressure brought upon by tragedy of death of a loved one. You just are not a qualified grief counselor.
OP: Live your life (meaning do not harbor the guilt of not wishing to remain stale) because who knows where you may be an hour after posting your piece.
Well there is a heaven and hell! That is your opinion and clearly Nik gave his opinion. You must be some loser Atheist huh? Prob some werido scientist. Happy Ash Wednesday ASS HOLE!!!!
Firstly, Not an Atheist but increasingly more agnostic leaning. I wish I was a scientist, but I aspire to learn and educate myself without the burden of what is drilled into our heads as religious nonsense from early childhood.
Don’t like science? Pack up your computer and stick to tin cans and a piece of string or billowing smoke signals to convey your opinion. Let’s see how that works for you, ha?
Secondly, what religious institution did you graduate from? Because they seem to have perfected both charm and ethics in your case.
Oh, Happy Ash Wednesday to you and a happy Valentines Day
What’s that Anny? You’ve died and come back to regale us with stories of the afterlife?
Oh, wait, no? You’ve never died?
Then you should probably shut the hell up and just wait to see what happens.
Horrible advice Nik! Stick to fake boobs and other nonsense subjects, that is what you’re good at. This girl needs to move on with her life. There is no time frame, you seem ready to move on. Why else would you ask this question? Unlike Hooman…Pooman, whatever it is, I’m sure your deceased boyfriend would want you to be happy and only you know when the time is right. Best of luck.
Forget about him and go get some new D. If your bf died kayaking, he’s a pussy.
There is no magic point where it becomes ok or not ok its whatever you feel ready for.
Here’s the question, what do you want out of it? Finding a new relationship will only cause problems you can’t love another completely until you stop loving your ex. Any new relationship will be fucked until you get over your ex. So if you are looking for a boyfriend wait you aren’t ready. If you just wanna get your rocks off, ask yourself this, will you enjoy it, do you think you will feel guilty afterwards? Only you will know if its right or not… My thoughts are your next relationship will prolly fail due to your newly found baggage but will be needed to help you get over your ex or you will always hang on to him. Plus everyperson you date will be compared in your head of your ex who you will idolize in your mind. I feel sorry for you and you have my sympathies and wish you my best.
From personal experience, you have to do what’s best for you…but don’t mix up being ready to move on and craving that warm body beside you.
The connection must not have been that deep if you’re ready to move on after only 5 months. You must be one of those extremely insecure girls that can’t live without being in a relationship. I suggest seeing a psychologist before jumping on a new cock.
There is no set timeline here. I think you need to ask yourself if you are ready and capable of loving another guy right now. If so then he should be okay with it, god rest in peace. I would be fine with my wife meeting someone else that was important to her and she had a future with.
If you you are just going to go out, get drunk and whore around, like most of the bitches posted here, then you probably shouldn’t. However, my guess is your situation will interfere and you will end up hurting someone else when you pull away because you realize you aren’t ready. If you are going to compare every guy to your lost love then you aren’t ready and you will be looking forever…
You probably feel this way because it is Valentin’s Day, it will pass and there is nothing wrong with being alone on V-day, it will make you stronger.
I think everyone grieves their own way and moves on their own way. If you think you should start dating again, go ahead.
Just keep in mind that your boyfriends friends/family may get upset that you get into a relationship that soon. A friend of mines husband died in a boating accident. She started dating a guy around 6 months I guess and got he’ll from all his friends and family. The girl ended up marrying the guy she met 6 months later and having a baby with him and his family and frienss are still bitter.
I’m guessing this is a selfish girl who wants to still receive the sympathies that come with a loss like that but still get dicked down by a random dude at the club. You can’t have the best of both worlds. Well you can but it shows your true colors.
I kinda do agree with Nik, just thinking if it were me (I’ve been with mine 9 years in March, lost my virginity to him, have been with him since 15, he’s literally my soul mate) I would be upset if he moved on that fast (I guess some people can, but I couldn’t) After that long together I know no one would compare and every relationship for probably the next 5 years would crash and burn, but I do know you’re upset, lonely, and it’s hard. Would you have wanted him to move on 5 months after you death when you’d been together 5 years?? if the answer is no, you’re moving too fast.
My boyfriend of 3 years died when I was 19 and it changed me forever. I was lost and in destructive relationships my entire life deliberately because I never stopped being in love with him. You should wait because you aren’t thinking clearly and the dysfunctional relationships you will allow yourself to be dragged into because you aren’t thinking straight will have an effect on you for the rest of your life.
I had a boyfriend pass in a car accident it took me a year to be OK enough to even be open to the idea. It is 7 years later I still think of him. Take sometime and allow yourself to really feel the grief.
This right here is why I will never ever get into a kayak. I won’t even go on a cruise now cause of that stranded shit ship. It took me forever to get into a canoe. And when I finally did get in one, my best friend fell out and blood was everywhere She gashed it on the canoe ! I’ll only go down the river by canoe. When it comes to water deeper than my shoulders, I’m out
Wow I have tears in my eyes ! How heartbreaking! I think that the OP’s boyfriend would want her to be happy. As opposed to just being in a state of constant depression. Please OP go on and enjoy life. I was In basically a state of depression for three years after losing a loved one. Then someone’s asked me “do you think they would want to see you like this?” Then later on I had a dream and they said “don’t worry a out me in having the time of my life” then realized how much time and youth I wasted being depressed. He will ALWAYS be in your heart.
In my opinion, you’re ready to move on when you don’t constantly think of him. That sounds cold, i know, but you won’t be ready to give your heart to another person, or let another person in if you’re constantly thinking of him, or what could have been. You won’t ever forget him, or even stop loving him, but you will get to the point (eventually) where you can let someone else in and not let your past with him, affect it.
OP, you are the only one who truly knows what’s right for you. Don’t listen to these people who haven’t been where you are. They can’t possibly understand the absolute anguish that you’re going through.
I lost my fiancé of four years, and it absolutely devastated me. I was lost in a haze for years. It took me 6 years to finally get over what happened. He died sleeping next to me, and I was shattered. In the aftermath, I made some bad choices, and was not kind to myself or others.
The most important thing for you to do right now, is take care of, and love yourself. Everything else can wait. If you feel like you need someone there, have someone there. Just don’t make the mistake if trying to fill the empty place your beloved left. Have superficial relationships, if you need comfort, but make certain you’re honest, to yourself and the other person. Most of all, make sure you choose wisely, as you’re very vulnerable right now.
There is no time limit on these things.
I think you just have to be patient with yourself, and understand the process. Some days will be better than others. Some days you’ll feel like you can’t go on. Some days, you won’t want to, and that’s okay. Its just a part of the grieving process.
I’m still not okay with what happened, but I’ve accepted it. I’m now happily married, and life has never been better. Some day you’ll get here too, but today, you need to live for you.
It’ll be okay. YOU will be okay. Do the things you want to do. Do the things you guys said you’d do. Your Bf would want you to LIVE. So do it. Learn something new. Go dancing. Go to Hawaii (that helped me A LOT). Talk about it until your friends are such of hearing about it, then talk some more. Do what makes YOU happy, and don’t worry about what others think. They’ll get over it.
Just remember, be kind, gentle, and patient with yourself. It’s a process, and it takes a long time. Recognize it for what it is. You’re going to be okay. I promise.
OP, you are the only one who truly knows what’s right for you. Don’t listen to these people who haven’t been where you are. They can’t possibly understand the absolute anguish that you’re going through.
I lost my fiancé of four years, and it absolutely devastated me. I was lost in a haze for years. It took me 6 years to finally get over what happened. He died sleeping next to me, and I was shattered. In the aftermath, I made some bad choices, and was not kind to myself or others.
The most important thing for you to do right now, is take care of, and love yourself. Everything else can wait. If you feel like you need someone there, have someone there. Just don’t make the mistake if trying to fill the empty place your beloved left. Have superficial relationships, if you need comfort, but make certain you’re honest, to yourself and the other person. Most of all, make sure you choose wisely, as you’re very vulnerable right now.
There is no time limit on these things.
I think you just have to be patient with yourself, and understand the process. Some days will be better than others. Some days you’ll feel like you can’t go on. Some days, you won’t want to, and that’s okay. Its just a part of the grieving process.
I’m still not okay with what happened, but I’ve accepted it. I’m now happily married, and life has never been better. Some day you’ll get here too, but today, you need to live for you.
It’ll be okay. YOU will be okay. Do the things you want to do. Do the things you guys said you’d do. Your Bf would want you to LIVE. So do it. Learn something new. Go dancing. Go to Hawaii (that helped me A LOT). Talk about it until your friends are such of hearing about it, then talk some more. Do what makes YOU happy, and don’t worry about what others think. They’ll get over it.
Just remember, be kind, gentle, loving, and patient with yourself. It’s a process, and it takes a long time. Recognize it for what it is. You’re going to be okay. I promise.
I don’t know why i even comment on this fricken site seeing as they never seem to actually post any of my submissions.
Anyway, I think Nik is 100% right with his advice. For all of the comments saying that you should do what makes you happy or that there is no set time frame for this situation, please keep in mind that the amount of time you wait affects many people, not just YOU.
Choosing to wait for a year is out of respect for your loved one who passed away, your loved ones parents / family, you and your loved ones mutual friends etc.
By waiting for a year you will give the parents of the person who passed the ability to forever remember their son and his sweet and loving gf as the perfect couple you were (even if that is not even remotely true). By waiting less than a year you will end up throwing salt in the wound where not only will someone have just lost a son, but they will also be struggling with their sons memory forever being tainted by his disrespectful gf slutting it up and realizing after the fact you were using him and didn’t love him nearly as much as they all thought. from that point on any time they talk about their son it will be accompanied by mentioning the floozy gf who must have been using him or cheating on him if she was able to move on so quickly (again, even if that’s not the case).
Bottom line, wait the year and everyone wins. If you need a lil D on the side, keep it discreet. But to begin a new relationship openly is going to cause a lot of people more pain than they are already feeling.
UGH…SORRY NIK, YOU ARE VERY WRONG HERE. THE BEST ADVICE , I FEEL, WOULD TO SAY DO WHAT EVER YOU WANT OR FEELS RIGHT. IF YOU WANT TO BE WITH SOMEONE RIGHT NOW, DO IT BECAUSE IF YOUR BOYFRIEND LOVED YOU, HE’D BE HAPPY FOR YOU. DON’T LET ANYONE TELL YOU THAT YOU SHOULD WAIT ANY AMOUNT OF TIME, THAT IS NOT GOOD ADVICE AT ALL FOR YOUR SITUATION.