THE DIRTY ARMY: Nik, the title of this says it all. I’ll openly admit that the first quarter century of my life, I f*cked up left and right. I was filling the emptiness in my life with coke, alcohol, and dudes whose names I can’t even remember. I was depressed and disgusting, and well, I still am. I’m clean and sober and no longer hang around the people and environments that were destroying me. Then bam, right when I turned 26, I was diagnosed with a health condition that’s gonna stick with me for life that involves a sh*tload of chronic pain and fatigue. I know karma probably has a hand in that. I still exercise as much as I can, eat as well as I can on my budget, but still feel ugly and disgusting. It’s to the point I’ve contemplated suicide. Aesthetics DO matter, as much as sanctimonious assholes try to say otherwise. I can be the smartest, funniest, sweetest person in the world, but there’s always that BUT of “well, she’s ugly.” I have no idea what else I can do. I can’t afford drastic measures like pills or surgery, but I know I deserve better than this sh*t. I know you’ll at least be honest, and I’m begging for help.
You need to find love in something because you have lost the love in yourself. You come across very selfish. My advice would be to try something new everyday that tests your mind. Dancing, dating, painting, etc. You need to release that dopamine. And who knows you might find an interest in something new and exciting that becomes your loving distraction. Happiness is all mental and it starts with overcoming tragedy.- nik