THE DIRTY ARMY: Nik, meet Shannon. I think that you’ll agree that this is your brunette for 2014. Shannon is a real woman, one who knows how to put down several meals in one sitting and still has room left for dessert. She’s got the body of a goddess, complete with 6, repeat SIX huge, jiggling breasts. Who needs +2s when you’re this uniquely endowed? Be jealous ladies. Thigh gap? Hell NO, Shannon is bringing in the era of Himalaya thighs, thighs so lumped out with fat they resemble a mountain range. She is resplendent with cheap jailhouse tattoos, has a smile above any dentist’s worst nightmares, and she knows damn well that she is one sexy BEAST. So Nik, now that you know that your perfect woman does indeed exist, there will be no need for anymore brunette submissions as Shannon holds the crown, hands down. In all seriousness though Nik, I came across this stunner on a mutual friends’ Facebook status and my jaw just dropped. There is no excuse for a person to look like this. With all the medical marvels today, this is unacceptable. Someone PLEASE pay for this “Where The Wild Things Are” star to get some lipo or something. I\’m living in fear now, afraid that I\’m going to run her in person some day. She might try to eat me. Although I suppose the chances are low as by her own admission, “fat girls taste better” and I do’t quite fit her uniquely developed tastes.