THE DIRTY ARMY: This is Hector Velasquez- a creepy, ugly 30 or 40 something from Austin who prowls 6th street looking for drunk young girls to fuck. I first met him at a bar on dirty sixth when I was 18 and he tried wooing me with cheap drinks and some stupid story about how he bought his BMW in cash, he even flashed me the keychain to prove his story. Someone needs to tell him BMWs aren’t Ferraris. The guy not only has two DWIs but also sells shitty, low-grade coke and -if you’re a lucky young drunk girl- will try to lure you back to his house in the promise of free coke. He tries so hard to be one of Austin’s in-crowd and will brag about himself to you nonstop- how he only dates models, and rides million dollar horses, and knows Skrillex- when in reality, he’s just an old drug dealer with a criminal record and a history of fcking girls and their moms. A real catch.