THE DIRTY ARMY: Nik, am a huge fan since few years back and am impressed with your success (holy ITG, Batman!) and how you got it by being so refreshingly honest and candid- two traits increasingly hard to find. Obviously, have already pre-ordered your book and can’t wait to read about all the gory details. I have been wrestling with an issue and I think you will give me your honest opinion. The story is this: awhile back(we’re talking like 8-9 years) met a guy on a night out with friends who I hit it off with right away. We were both in semi-serious relationships but enjoyed a bit of a cheeky kiss and flirtation that had us keeping in touch via text and hooking up randomly over the next few years- pretty much all throughout my university years. We genuinely got on really well and there was a great sexual chemistry and comfort- the perfect friends with benefits. We only met up for drinks, never hung out with each other’s friends and had very little expectations from one another. During this time, I graduated with an honours degree and he went from working for someone to setting up his own gig and doing quite well. We knew the entire time that we were both casually seeing other people, and it was a bit of a turn on (I will admit) to know that we outlasted several “relationships” between the two of us. After a number of years of keeping it pretty much a booty call, it gradually got serious. Meaning, we started doing the dating thing, planning to take trips and not screwing around with anyone else. Once we started noticing that we were digging it he dropped a bit of a bomb on me- he had had a one night stand with a (much older) lady when he was 18 and got her pregnant. She wanted to keep it (with or without him) and he stepped up and they tried to make it work living together for a couple of years and in the meantime- making baby number two. They broke up and even though she is a psycho he is very much involved in the kids’ lives and having kids has probably been responsible for a big part of his success- he had to man up pretty young and pretty quick. He had kept this all from me when we were casual but he wanted me to know if things were gonna get serious. They did and I can honestly say that the next few years were some of the greatest times ever. We were a great couple and had some of the happiest moments of my life. I never met the rugrats and as time went on, that became a problem for him. I had an opportunity to relocate overseas for work and when I signed a two year contract we both decided to give it a break and see what happened when I returned. We both dated other people casually, even though we still email and talk and keep in touch. I went home for Christmas and he got blasted drunk and told me how much it hurt him that I never wanted to have anything to do with his kids. This is my dilemma Nik: I met this dude when I was 19 and nowhere near being stepmom. Now I’m 28 and I don’t know if I can handle an instant family with two preteens. I know that if I want, he will be with me in a heartbeat and would make me very happy and well taken care of. I know everyone thinks this about their relationship but- we were honestly so good together! My problem is that I know I won’t be a man’s first kiss, won’t be the first girl someone lives with or first woman he loved- but I would like to be the first to give someone a child. I know if I had to I could love those kids and all that, but I also know that I am young and successful, attractive and intelligent and still feel like I want it all. I am not 35 and desperate to land someone. Am I being totally dumb? This guy would have married me years ago, we make an amazing team and could have a great life together… am I a cold hearted b*tch for not wanting the insta-family he comes with? Sorry for being so wordy, but as my contract gets closer to completion I keep thinking about what could be and if it should? Nik, I NEED your input!!!
Why are you trying to chase the past? It sounds like you would get back together to satisfy him out of guilt. If you guys were supposed to be together than you would already be together. I say NO to the insta-family and YES to the future of you finding the man who will define YOU.- nik