THE DIRTY ARMY: Malibu Beachside Sober Living is a “sober” living where drug addicts go to avoid losing their inheritance owned by Andrew Swift (aka Swifty) and Matthew Hill. The website claims to offer a variety of services Malibu Beachside does not actually employ, including daily goals, morning mediation, and job placement. Don’t feel cheated, though, because it also provides a lot of experiences it doesn’t advertise. While someone shoots heroin in the room next to you, you will be evicted without cause in the middle of the night. You will be exploited sexually and slandered around town by the very people you turned to for help. And when you are gone, Swifty will personally honor you by opening your mail and reading bank statements aloud to clients he forbids contact to. A shared room costs $4,500 but if you don’t have the cash, no problem! Swifty has a list of contacts he will gladly provide of people in the valley you are encouraged to sleep with to make rent. But that’s not all! Swifty has recently relapsed on a prescription of dilaudid given to him after his hair transplant surgery, so it’s just going to get better! Don’t believe me? Move in to Malibu Beachside Sober Living today and see for yourself.