THE DIRTY ARMY: Hey Nik. I was poolside in Newport and saw this. I think this is an omen for a bad pool season.

Yeah, she looks terrible… I have never seen a bronze butt V before.- nik

THE DIRTY ARMY: Nik, since all this drama with Tamra and her loser douchebag husband Simon I wanted to ask you about OC’s Alexis Bellino.  She is super hot with an amazing body and wanted to see what you think?  Personally I totally would but just a few times, I watch the show and when I see how her children see their nanny as their mom and that makes me sick to my stomach.  I mean the girl has never changed a diaper?  What kind of mom is that?  Would you with any of the Housewives any city with a gun to your head and to cure cancer?

Answer:  In the real world it wouldn’t happen because I am not a fan of her face, but if I had no choice and the world needed me to save lives I would sacrifice my Greg for Alexis over any other housewife from all cities (eyes closed though).

**On another note Gretchen Rossi’s make up line is no longer taking orders.  My insider that is in her camp told me they are making up a story (lie) that all their products are sold out, but the real issue is supposedly suppliers are not happy that funds are going through Slade Slimey’s paypal account.  Who really cares?  They are both con artists.

**Update: After The DIRTY ARMY exposed what was going on with Gretchen Rossi’s make up line… they randomly closed up shop?

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THE DIRTY ARMY: Ladies! Keep an eye out for this Tool Academy reject. I caught this 5′4, little wang, speedo sporting, roid slammer peeping in the ladies room at RED. After some investigative work found out his name is Joel F@*@d. He’s besties with that another notorious creeper Dean M@*on. Both these guys are for sure forgy!! What do you think Nik?

How small is his greg…thats hilarious.- nik

THE DIRTY ARMY:Nik I have to put these 2 sleezey wh*res on blast! Typical 909 trash here…they all share the same straw, needles, fake horse hair, and gregs. This is Cheryl and Kristin they are both total low life losers who sleep with anything that drags their infested *sses into the bar. Both cougars look like they are pushing 35 and still work as bartenders for Chronic Cantina. Cheryl the one on the left was sleeping with a Douche Bag juice head Jason M*c (he must already be on here I am sure) while his poor girlfriend was pregnant with their first kid. Anyhow when they found out about each other, the wh*re on the right started sleeping with him. They say a picture is worth a thousand words, this one pretty much sums up they both spread their legs at the bar at any given time. Disgusting!

Fake hair, back fat and thunders is the most common recipe for a newp tramp.- nik

THE DIRTY ARMY: Nik, this is good ol’ CJ Stretch of the Kamloops Blazers… No wonder hes on the blazers, his f*ckin crotch is on fire. Although he is an outstanding young talent on the ice, theres something that we should all know. Lets just say CJ stands for C*m Junkie and Stretch just simply refers to his slinky dong. He bangs allright girls, plays great… but is just a sex maniac when in public. he hails from Irvine CA, so he might even be bi-sexual. Who knows though right? Nik what do you think about our future NHL’er Mr.Stretch?

Coming from Irvine, CA doesn’t make you Bi-curious it just makes you like Asian chicks.  I decided.- nik

THE DIRTY ARMY: Nik, this stunning character’s name is Brian out of the LF. His life in a nutshell consists of wearing nothing but Seedless clothing, sm*king meth and “medicating” with medical marijuana for his ‘depression’. Geee, I wonder if the meth has anything to do with not being happy. He thinks he is going to be a rapper one day! All he does is smoke meth and weed with other d-bags around Lake Forest hoping he’ll get skinny and famous. He believes in alien conspiracies and tries to convince people that they are chameleons in a human body. Oh ya, and met his girlfriend off myspace… Have a nice day!

Well it shows that he is a good sucker, im sure you can replace bongs and pipes with gregs of any shape color and size.- nik

THE DIRTY ARMY:  Nik, please don’t use my name. But Simon and Eddie were not friends?????

Tamra Barney’s hand placement kind of concerns me considering she was married to Simon when this picture was taken.- nik

Also See: Exclusive Update: Tamra Barney Of The Real Housewives Tells Us The Truth?

THE DIRTY ARMY: Nik, this is Justine Cu**co aka jquanksta. You’ll most likely find her on Wednesday nights at La Cave. Shes gorgeous and knows how to have a good time and definitely does not reek of noodles! So Nik would you?

Answer:  No, besides her painted face… I am not a hipster so we wouldn’t have chemistry.

THE DIRTY ARMY: Nik you got to love OC hotties like this, you know you would after 8 Irish Car Bombs.

They would probably scare me more then anything with those nests on their head.- nik

THE DIRTY ARMY: Dude what’s up with Brooklyn Decker’s body? How did she get the cover of Sport’s Illustrated with that muffin top? And of course, would you?

Answer: no.  Her lips were put on backwards (or upside down, top should be on the bottom and bottom on top).  I won’t even start on the body cause it needs serious work, couldn’t they photoshop out that hip.