THE DIRTY ARMY: Nik, I have the biggest crush on a co-worker of mine. The girl is not only beautiful but she is so intelligent and such a good worker. We always flirt but have not seen each other outside the work place, so last Thursday when she invited me to Coachella I had no choice but to say yes. I hate the music and the drugs that comes with it, but I really wanted to bang her. Anyway, we get there Thursday night and start camping out. I didn’t want to make things awkward, so I told myself I would let her make the first move. So we wake up Friday and literally she pops a molly into my mouth before I could even brush my teeth. The whole day was spent watching small time groups that made some really sh*tty music, all in all, took 3 mollies, did 2 8 balls of some coke and who knows how much weed we smoked. Still, she made no move but I did watch her make out with 4 random dudes throughout the day. Saturday we wake up and the same old thing happens, drugs but this time the music was a lot better since all the big names were in. Long story short we still don’t hook up, so Sunday I was so mollied up with about zero brain cells left during Calvin Harris here and I finally start going at it, we are making out and she starts sucking my Greg right in the middle of the crowd, we rush back to our tent and just start going at it. Followed by the nastiest smell ever 2 minutes later. Both of us hadn’t showered in days so the smell was the worst thing ever, 10 minutes into it, we both had to stop and get out the tent because it smelt like deadfish mixed in with some Tapatio. It was without a doubt the worst experience I have had, I can still smell it right now as I’m typing this. I don’t get why people go to Coachella, it was the dumbest thing I have ever done, it was dirty and filled with nothing but f*cking losers with no life or future.
Did you know that Coachella has the highest rate of transexuals in attendance. Higher than any other festival on the planet. Intoxication levels are so enhanced in the desert that people have tent sex without checking body parts.- nik