THE DIRTY ARMY: Nik, I have been a fan of Dr. Douche since you started posted him on the site and the wise words of wisdom he usually has… but he has totally changed.  He got a GF a few months back and its been going down hill since.  I believe she is a stripper and poor Dr. Douche is feeling the effect of dating one of those girls.  He really likes what you have to say and is a huge fan of the site, so I wanted to see if you can give him some words of wisdom and save him.  He needs to concentrate on college, not trying to locate his girlfriend while she is out with other guys doing who knows what.

Dr. Douche you need to date a celebrity. Wasting your time trying to track down a civilian who is mooching off your celebrity is a waste of brain cells. You are better than this and should be with someone who is relatable to your fame status.- nik