Tanner Kelly – The Political Predator
THE DIRTY ARMY: It’s election day, and I officially re-registered as an Independent because of this pepsied out predator named Tanner Kelly. I recently interned for the California State Legislature when this little pepsi piggy waddled his dirty a55 self into my life. He was really nice at first, promising to introduce me to people, giving me advice on my writing, and how to get ahead in the Capitol. He even wanted to make me a member of his organization called Generation Change that he founded. He said if I ever wanted to run for office he’d get his friend to run my whole campaign. Little did I know all he wanted was to give a little head, which wouldn’t be that bad if he’d brush his teeth after smoking a pack of cigarettes. SH1T GOT REAL WEIRD, REAL QUICK He started following me around downtown. Shooting me texts in the middle of the night asking for pepsi. Late nights when I’d run into him at the bar, after doing my best to avoid him, he’d grab my d1ck over my pants IN THE BAR. His genitals are probably as roachy as his favorite watering hole “Simons”. After refusing him a number of times he still would come after me until, I eventually, now, just avoid all the places I’ve ever seen him. The guy is a creep. How can someone like him get so far, and no one says anything. If you run into him, avoid the little pepsi pig.
–He sounds like a perfect fit for a government position