THE DIRTY ARMY: Beginning on July 1, Utah is reforming its woefully outdated liquor laws in an attempt to both enter the 21st century and woo much-needed tourism revenue. Totaling 187 pages of legalese, the overhaul comes in two parts and will help break down the state’s notorious “Zion Curtain”:

A: Like the rest of the nation, mixed drinks throughout the state will now contain 1.5 oz of liquor as opposed to a mere 1 oz of liquor.

B: More importantly, bars will no longer have to be “private clubs” in order to serve customers. Previously, drinkers had — yes, it’s true — to fill out an application and pay a fee in order to be served in a bar.  Hence — wink, wink — members of a club.

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How hard was that?  Next will be Gay Marriage and then maybe in 17 years Iran might see freedom?- nik