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THE DIRTY ARMY: Nik, this is Alex McPeak. He’s a straight up pedophile. He graduated in the class of 2010. We used to be friends, but I knew there was something wrong with him from the start because all he ever talks about is sex. My friend has a crush on him and I tried to set them up and he started sneaking around and shit and tried to stick his Greg in her. After he graduated, he still sticks around my school and goes out with the freshman. He’s a straight up loser who brags about ‘experiencing’ so much and he’s only 19. He doesn’t even go to college and all he ever does is bone underage girls and smoke weed. Girls better watch out!

I’m surprised I thought you were going to say he was gay.- nik